THE PLAYOFF FORMAT
top three in each division, plus two per-conference wild cards make it
every round’s a best-of-7
FIRST ROUND: better division winner gets the weaker wild card, and 2 plays 3
SECOND ROUND: winners meet
CONFERENCE FINAL
STANLEY CUP FINAL
THE STANLEY CUP
the best championship trophy in sports
*the* Stanley Cup—there’s only the one
winning teams get their names engraved on it for ~60 years, then the ring comes off and gets sent to the Hockey Hall of Fame
has done more than you
PACIFIC DIVISION
Anaheim Ducks: dropped the “Mighty Ducks” name and immediately won the Cup
Calgary Flames: the first team to leave Atlanta
Edmonton Oilers: Connor McDavid, Leon Draisaitl, + others
Los Angeles Kings: won two Cups in the 2010s then fell off a cliff
San Jose Sharks: used to be half of Minnesota, sort of—long story
Seattle Kraken: the brand-newest expansion team! they should probably make the playoffs
Vancouver Canucks: 2011
Vegas Golden Knights: now that Fleury’s gone, fuck em
WESTERN CONFERENCE
CENTRAL DIVISION
Arizona Coyotes: moved here from the Pacific, will probably not be in Arizona much longer
Colorado Avalanche: formerly of Quebec City
Chicago: rotten to the core
Dallas Stars: formerly of Minnesota
Minnesota Wild: eternally mediocre
Nashville Predators: a very good hockey market and a team that’s staring at a rebuild
St. Louis Blues: hey, Siri, play “Gloria” by Laura Branigan
Winnipeg Jets: the second Winnipeg Jets, also the second team to leave Atlanta
METROPOLITAN DIVISION
Carolina Hurricanes: a bunch of jerks
Columbus Blue Jackets: no one wants to play here
New Jersey Devils: a team maybe finally turning the corner
New York Islanders: the most passionate hockey fanbase in the New York metro area
New York Rangers: see NJD
Philadelphia Flyers: Gritty was the best thing they’ve ever done
Pittsburgh Penguins: the league rigged the draft lottery for them in 2005 :-)
Washington Capitals: had a reputation for choking until they won in 2018
EASTERN CONFERENCE
ATLANTIC DIVISION
Boston Bruins
Buffalo Sabres: abandon hope all ye who enter here
Detroit Red Wings: in the midst of a long-overdue rebuild
Florida Panthers: surprisingly good for Florida hockey
Montréal Canadiens: made the finals because of last year’s janky format
Ottawa Senators: #FuckMelnyk
Tampa Bay Lightning: looking for a three-peat and very well might get it
Toronto Maple Leafs: lost an actual NHL game to a 42-year-old Zamboni driver *who worked for the team*
THE LEAGUE STRUCTURE
32 teams
2 conferences (Eastern/Western)
2 divisions each ((Atlantic/Metropolitan)/(Central/Pacific))
THE SEASON STRUCTURE
82 games
26 games against your division (either 3 or 4 against the other 7 teams)
24 games against the other division in your conference (3 games against 8 teams)
32 games against the other conference (2 games against 16 teams)
THE TEAMS (note: descriptions were written by a biased Penguins fan and might not be entirely relevant—do your own research)
(note: if majors happen at the same time, which in practice only happens when there’s a fight, *then* the players can be replaced on the ice)
THE STANDINGS
it’s a points-based system, but not the one soccer uses!
win? that’s 2 points
make it to overtime? that’s 1 point
lose in regulation? 0 points
wins in regulation and wins in regulation+overtime are tiebreakers, but the actual standings are points-based
PENALTIES:
there’s a whole bunch, categorized thusly
“minor” — the penalized player goes to the penalty box / sin bin for two minutes and can’t be replaced on the ice (the other team gets what’s known as a power play) until the end of the two minutes or until the power-play team scores
“double minor” — a minor but it draws blood; four minutes long; if the power-play team scores during the first two minutes, the clock resets to two minutes
“major” — five minutes, regardless of goals scored
THE BASIC RULES:
each team has six players on the ice at a time–five skaters (usually three forwards and two defensemen) and one goalie (note: hockey counting doesn’t count the goalie towards the players, so this is called “5-on-5”)
there’s three 20-minute periods, and whomever has the most goals at the end of 60 minutes wins
if there’s a tie, they play five minutes of 3-on-3 overtime, and if there’s *still* a tie, then they go to a penalty shootout
if y’all think I talk about baseball a lot for someone who’s a fan of a team without expectations
wait until you see me talking about hockey
Flintstones and Jetsons are the ur-examples of end-of-history American triumphalist media — backdating the 50’s suburban way of life into prehistory and pushing it indefinitely into the future. The Flintstones (2016) asks us to examine the resource extraction and exploitation that powers that kind of life. It’s the reverse of the original series — we’re presented with the familiar to confront the struggle that powers our comfort, and asked if we are really so different than Stone Age warriors
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