epic eva tv @worstGirlEva@shrike.club

it sucks that when i was a teen i used to have the patience of a saint for videogames, i would play i wanna be the guy and i was just so patient with playing the game and trying bosses over and over until i beat them, but now i have anxiety and i can't lose in a videogame twice without feeling like i'm never going to do it

feeling miserable over spending sahcon with my friend who is both a trans girl and a terf and really really hoping she was doing better after awhile, but no! she's just as bad as she used to be!! why am i such a clown why do i keep believing people can do better why can't i just give up on her already!!

the sad part is that i used to look up to her so much when i was younger and i guess i really want her to good and normal and i just can't accept that no! she's a bigot!

thinking of doing major art studies on mia's art again and changing my style again

and just going back to how this all ties in to roxy and mom lalonde and infertility and just ughhhhh. it makes me thing so much

but also going back to pokey i'm glad that flowey is basically such a similar character to pokey and we get to save him

pokey is such a sad character in the way he never had any of the things ness had and his actions just kinda make sense and its sad to see him dig a hole so deep and we never get to save him from it

i wish we could just stop the cycle of abuse and save pokey from it, it would be the ideal ending for me, but i understand why its not the case

basically the whole cycle of abuse between pokey and gygas, pokey having a shitty childhood and being embraced by gygas and then using gygas its so sad. i wish the game would give me an option to save pokey so much

and just the way that he then used gygas to have revenge on ness and just... violated gygas

my thing is how the first phase of gygas shows ness' face is a way to show how innocent and child like gygas is, then pokey corruts gygas in a rape like, abortion like way to harm ness and his friends and gosh

like pokey is such an interesting villain in the way he had shitty parents and he kinda became shitty because of it and everyone disliked it and while ness was chosen as a hero he was chosen by gygas

just watched an earthbound playthru and saw some theory videos + remembering andrew said this was roxy's favorite game and just all the womb symbolism behind gygas

i just have WAY TOO MUCH in mind and i need to write this all down

the virgin meat roxy liberal fan, th chad communist vriska fan

also their header is just a lot of images of meat roxy and it really the ideology of the meat roxy fans are

someone on twitter is telling me how i'm "invalidating headcanons" cause i said i didn't wanted whitestuck in my zine

i feel like the "everyone is valid" ideology is 100% of the times used to somehow equate minorities with their opressors and make so minorities lashing out at said opressors are seem as problematic

also it makes me want to finish wolf 359 cause it was also amazing at character driven conflitct

it makes me want to make my characters so much deeper, i have been working on the second draft of queen of foreveremore and the characters are just so shallow and i wanna make them so much more deep. i just love character focused media that has deep characters with large character focused conflict that explore deep complicated characters

i just finished drop out and i loved it so much, i never explored mental illness in my writing and reading it really makes me want to develop it more, the characters are just so deep and interesting and cool and their struggles are so real and its such an interesting exploring living with severe mental illness and every time sugar had a breakdown i loved it so much, its so deep and the characters are just so good

Spend the night calling Phoebe and watching Holly stream and I feel much better now after resting

Looking forward for tomorrow

theres also video games that i wanna play, but i also don't feel like playing either!!! i guess i'm just depressed and i really don't feel like doing anything and i'm really just outright lacking passion for anything

actually i don't even know why i wanna be productive! i get writing done and stuff done and it just doesn't feel like enough. whats the point of being productive if it doesn't even makes me happy