THE BASIC RULES:
each team has six players on the ice at a time–five skaters (usually three forwards and two defensemen) and one goalie (note: hockey counting doesn’t count the goalie towards the players, so this is called “5-on-5”)
there’s three 20-minute periods, and whomever has the most goals at the end of 60 minutes wins
if there’s a tie, they play five minutes of 3-on-3 overtime, and if there’s *still* a tie, then they go to a penalty shootout
PENALTIES:
there’s a whole bunch, categorized thusly
“minor” — the penalized player goes to the penalty box / sin bin for two minutes and can’t be replaced on the ice (the other team gets what’s known as a power play) until the end of the two minutes or until the power-play team scores
“double minor” — a minor but it draws blood; four minutes long; if the power-play team scores during the first two minutes, the clock resets to two minutes
“major” — five minutes, regardless of goals scored
(note: if majors happen at the same time, which in practice only happens when there’s a fight, *then* the players can be replaced on the ice)
THE STANDINGS
it’s a points-based system, but not the one soccer uses!
win? that’s 2 points
make it to overtime? that’s 1 point
lose in regulation? 0 points
wins in regulation and wins in regulation+overtime are tiebreakers, but the actual standings are points-based
THE LEAGUE STRUCTURE
32 teams
2 conferences (Eastern/Western)
2 divisions each ((Atlantic/Metropolitan)/(Central/Pacific))
THE SEASON STRUCTURE
82 games
26 games against your division (either 3 or 4 against the other 7 teams)
24 games against the other division in your conference (3 games against 8 teams)
32 games against the other conference (2 games against 16 teams)
THE TEAMS (note: descriptions were written by a biased Penguins fan and might not be entirely relevant—do your own research)
EASTERN CONFERENCE
ATLANTIC DIVISION
Boston Bruins
Buffalo Sabres: abandon hope all ye who enter here
Detroit Red Wings: in the midst of a long-overdue rebuild
Florida Panthers: surprisingly good for Florida hockey
Montréal Canadiens: made the finals because of last year’s janky format
Ottawa Senators: #FuckMelnyk
Tampa Bay Lightning: looking for a three-peat and very well might get it
Toronto Maple Leafs: lost an actual NHL game to a 42-year-old Zamboni driver *who worked for the team*
METROPOLITAN DIVISION
Carolina Hurricanes: a bunch of jerks
Columbus Blue Jackets: no one wants to play here
New Jersey Devils: a team maybe finally turning the corner
New York Islanders: the most passionate hockey fanbase in the New York metro area
New York Rangers: see NJD
Philadelphia Flyers: Gritty was the best thing they’ve ever done
Pittsburgh Penguins: the league rigged the draft lottery for them in 2005 :-)
Washington Capitals: had a reputation for choking until they won in 2018
WESTERN CONFERENCE
CENTRAL DIVISION
Arizona Coyotes: moved here from the Pacific, will probably not be in Arizona much longer
Colorado Avalanche: formerly of Quebec City
Chicago: rotten to the core
Dallas Stars: formerly of Minnesota
Minnesota Wild: eternally mediocre
Nashville Predators: a very good hockey market and a team that’s staring at a rebuild
St. Louis Blues: hey, Siri, play “Gloria” by Laura Branigan
Winnipeg Jets: the second Winnipeg Jets, also the second team to leave Atlanta
PACIFIC DIVISION
Anaheim Ducks: dropped the “Mighty Ducks” name and immediately won the Cup
Calgary Flames: the first team to leave Atlanta
Edmonton Oilers: Connor McDavid, Leon Draisaitl, + others
Los Angeles Kings: won two Cups in the 2010s then fell off a cliff
San Jose Sharks: used to be half of Minnesota, sort of—long story
Seattle Kraken: the brand-newest expansion team! they should probably make the playoffs
Vancouver Canucks: 2011
Vegas Golden Knights: now that Fleury’s gone, fuck em
that’s very basic and I skimmed VERY basically over the teams, but there you go!