dreams
i keep having weird dreams that leave me with a sense of homesickness, and i'm not sure how to handle it
dreams
i haven't been back to new york since i left. i haven't seen my mother since i left. the furthest east i've gone since living is tuscon, az.
but i sleep and i dream and… visually none of it is right, but the style and the aesthetics evoke long island, and some part of me misses it.
dreams, self-worth
yet at the same time, like
i still actively struggle with the idea that i matter to people. when i lived in new york, i didn't matter to *anyone*. i literally had no meatspace friends before i moved here; i hadn't for *years.*
but here, people care about me. i matter to people. i'm actively, day after day, improving as a person. i like who i am way, *WAY* better.
dreams, self-worth
so these dreams feel like an albatross around my neck, dragging me down to the floor, an anchor into a past that i… i don't want to forget, but that i want to move past
but i feel like i'll never be able to move past it
and i'll just die, paranoid and scared and alone and miserable
