diagnostic checklist for 'being the protagonist of an 0pacifica novel'

turned away at the concert parking lot for being too adorable and winsome

I have to make chapter interludes between horrific lesbian tortureporn where the dead wife is unbelievably goofy. I have to do this.

no one believes me when I tell them what my students doodle when given any free will at all

I actually do love the part of makeup where you have the power to change your face. I had to stop doing it for three years to appreciate it as something other than “a social lubricant and crutch not unlike alcohol” but that was worth it.

at a speakeasy populated exclusively by retired people singing along to Nickelback

I look like this so you can tell at a glance that I’m fucked up and evil

my form of authorial self-gratification is having women yell at each other over state dinners. I wish to impart to the reader, at length, that this is hilarious and awesome.

he is NOT happy about my class’ “intertidal zone” fieldwork lab

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SHRIKE CLUB

ONLY CREATE ACCOUNT IF YOU PERSONALLY KNOW AN ADMINISTRATOR, AND IDENTIFY YOURSELF IN YOUR APPLICATION. YOU DO NOT NEED A SHRIKE CLUB ACCOUNT TO FOLLOW SHRIKE CLUB USERS. A PERSONAL FEDERATED SOCIAL MEDIA INSTANCE FOR SMALL CARNIVOROUS BIRDS BY SMALL CARNIVOROUS BIRDS